100 Things You Should NOT Do in Valdosta

by Marvel Goose on May 31, 2008

Welcome to the list of 100 things You Should NOT do in Valdosta. This list began at the turn of the century (this one, not the last one) and has grown and shrunk since then. Sometimes jokes get old, or things change, or people we made fun of died, or got run out of office.

The list is ordered from oldest to newest. If you are a repeat viewer, you can go to the newer things here.

You can contribute to the list. I’m short of 100 right now so I am actively encouraging contributions. Just leave your comment at the bottom of the page.

  1. Wear your dentures to a country concert at Wild Adventures
  2. Drive 75 mph on North Patterson so you can catch all the red lights
  3. Refer to Valdosta as “The Home of Enos from the Dukes of Hazzard”
  4. Being late and expecting not to catch the damned old train on Baytree
  5. Ask: “Who was Wright Bazemore?”
  6. Being early and not expecting to catch the damned old train on Baytree
  7. Order iced tea without saying “sweet” or “unsweet” first
  8. Be pregnant and wear a Bikini to Wild Adventures
  9. Ask anyone in Clyattville where that smell comes from
  10. Actually think that the bridges will ice over in winter
  11. Call Valdosta Technical College the “Tech School”
  12. Call VSU “Valdosta College”
  13. Correct a native’s pronunciation of the word Pecan
  14. Don’t believe them when they say they are saving that collector car “for their grandson”
  15. Drive through Remerton too fast, too slow, or too close to the center line
  16. Expect anything intelligent in the VD Times Rant and Rave
  17. Let go of your shopping cart in the Publix parking lot” It will roll ’til it hits 30 mph or a person, whichever comes first
  18. Say that academics is more important than football
  19. Support City/County School consolidation
  20. Volunteer to bring cookies to the breast feeding class at the Lowndes County Health Department
  21. Wear a Viking Cap at Valdosta High
  22. Wear a Wildcat Cap at Lowndes High
  23. Drive to Lake City for beer on Sunday and speed back to Valdosta with no headlights on
  24. Expect more than 2 channels with rabbit ears
  25. Expect to make a living wage at Valdosta State University
  26. Give away your Yankee status immediately by asking if the term “pole bender” sounds perverted
  27. Go out to Grassy Pond with a loaf of bread and say, “Here Gator, Gator”
  28. Leave crayons on the seat of your car in the summer
  29. Let your dog use the bathroom in your neighbor’s yard
  30. Let your kids believe everything they teach them in the DARE program – its OK to have wine with a meal!
  31. Look for a library at the “Carnegie Library” on Central Ave
  32. Make fun of a member of the Security Forces Detachment at Moody AFB for having a Northern Accent
  33. Make fun of someone’s southern accent
  34. Make Sopranos references at Mom and Dad’s
  35. Openly discuss your admiration for the genius of Charles Darwin
  36. Pay list price for anything
  37. Put Hooter’s Gift Certificates in the collection plate on Sunday
  38. Say that East Alden Avenue is NOT a cut through street to Williams Street or Ashley Street
  39. Shout, “look at that mullet” when a redneck heaves into view
  40. Sit outside and let the mosquito’s bite
  41. Smoke Buglers anywhere because they look like joints
  42. Spit off the Sky Walk at VSU
  43. Talk about how good things are in Atlanta
  44. Transport drugs on I-75 and drive real fast
  45. Try to get anywhere on time if driving on Bemiss Road
  46. Try to turn left onto Gornto from the Baytree Bank of America parking lot
  47. Answer an ad in the classifieds looking for a Gator Trapper
  48. Bet on the Braves winning the World Series
  49. Call it a pond instead of a bar pit, you dumb Yankee
  50. Circle repeatedly around the VSU campus in your late-model sports car while playing really loud rap music and carrying several ounces of marijuana in your glove compartment
  51. Tell Reverend Rose you are not the son or daughter of a slaveowner
  52. Name a Parking Garage after Former VSU President Ron Zaccari.
  53. Tell your friends you know where the Olive Garden is going to be built
  54. Ask what are those big pointy things are outside of the arts center
  55. Hack the Valdosta Daily Times website during an election.

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You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you give a name and an email address. I have to approve comments before they appear.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.


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