The Four Martini Dinner

“What did you say?” I looked at the waitress incredulously.

“I said that a lo-carb hamburger and soy fries require a four drink minimum. It’s right there on the menu,” she pointed at the menu and I stared at the red “4” that was to the left of the dollar sign.

“You have got to be kidding me!” I exclaimed.

“Sir, did you come in here to smoke?” she said.

I had. Since the city fathers had decided to let people smoke in bars again a new cigar bar had opened called “Smiley O’Smokey’s” in downtown Valdosta. Tonight was my first visit and I just wanted to put a little ballast in my tank, so to speak, before partaking of strong smoke.

“Yes, but what does that have to do about it?” I asked.

She reached down, spun over the menu, and pointed. “Read this and then ask your questions. Will that be four martinis?”

My jaw dropped open, “Four martinis!”

Exasperated, she rolled her eyes and said, “You don’t have to drink them! That’s what the potted plant is for next to your table. Look at that menu and I’ll be back.” With that she spun and stomped away to tell the bartender to be sure and add a little phlegm to my order.

I focused on the back of the menu. There were two announcements

Smokers! To continue enjoying your rights to smoke in this bar we must insist that you balance your food and alcohol intake. The city requires that our revenues from food not exceed 30% of the total. When we re-opened this bar under the new name, our regulars insisted that we make everyone who wanted to buy food pay their own way. The formula is simple, for every dollar of food that you purchase you must also buy $2.33 worth of drinks. We have calculated the drink minimum for each food item to the left of the dollar sign in big red letters.

Food Cards! It’s the easy way to afford food at Smiley O’Smokey’s! Ask your waitress for a free card. Each time you buy a drink you get a punch. When you have enough punches you can turn in the card to buy food without having to buy a drink minimum. Help Smiley keep the place Smokey and help your self to our great food!

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I really needed a drink and a smoke to work through all of this. Looking over at the next table, I was inspired.

“Excuse me,” I said to the guy nearest me, “do any of you have any punched cards you don’t need or extra drinks?”

The entire table turned to me and served up stony silence and gritty stares.

“No, bud,” said the guy slowly, “I don’t have any to spare. I’m trying to save up so I can get a Filet Mignon.”

I dropped my eyes, muttered my apologies, and turned back to my table. A quick look at the menu revealed that the Green Peppercorn Filet Mignon with herb potatoes and vegetable medley was a 53 drink minimum.

“Ready now?” the waitress was back smiling in triumph. She had obviously seen what had just happened.

“I surrender. Just bring me four martinis very dry with no phlegm and a food coupon. I need to get drunk.”