Voiding the Fill

According to the conventional wisdom, the cockroach is the most pervasive presence on the planet. Impervious to extremes of heat and cold, radiation resistant, and equipped with permanent body armor the cockroach can be found everywhere man is found including the space shuttle.

The conventional wisdom is biased in favor of things that walk. The honor of place at the precipice of permeation of the planet belongs to advertising. Every thing you wear is labeled on the inside or the out with a brand name. There are ads on the street, in the shopping cart, playing at the gas pump, dancing across your screen, and spamming up your email. You can’t even escape it in the bathroom where in Valdosta $350 a month will purchase you ten ads strategically placed in the restrooms of popular restaurants and bars all over town.

grapevine advertising is the name of the capital letter challenged company that sells these ads. I was disappointed when the promotional literature arrived on plain cheap paper instead of toilet paper. I had hoped that their creativity extended beyond typography. Most of the literature focused on telling you that shoving advertising in front of people’s eyes while they were in the process of voiding their bowels and bladders was in good taste.

I am informed that the Boston Globe said, “This is the only place in the world people will stand in line to read advertising.” I suppose Siskel and Ebert would give it two thumbs up if Siskel were still alive. (I wonder which way the undertaker positioned his thumb?)

Of all the mammals only certain species of deer keep walking while they void. The grapevine people say our immobility is the secret to their sucess. They call it the captive audience. I beg to differ. There is no chain attached to the urinal. If I got hot enough about urinal advertising, I guess I could just walk away while irrigating being careful not to splash on myself or others.

Piss on bathroom advertising. Get on your toes and try. Barring that, a strategically placed plastic cup should give you enough ammunition.