The Four Martini Dinner

“What did you say?” I looked at the waitress incredulously.

“I said that a lo-carb hamburger and soy fries require a four drink minimum. It’s right there on the menu,” she pointed at the menu and I stared at the red “4” that was to the left of the dollar sign.

“You have got to be kidding me!” I exclaimed.

“Sir, did you come in here to smoke?” she said.

I had. Since the city fathers had decided to let people smoke in bars again a new cigar bar had opened called “Smiley O’Smokey’s” in downtown Valdosta. Tonight was my first visit and I just wanted to put a little ballast in my tank, so to speak, before partaking of strong smoke.

“Yes, but what does that have to do about it?” I asked.

She reached down, spun over the menu, and pointed. “Read this and then ask your questions. Will that be four martinis?”

My jaw dropped open, “Four martinis!”

Exasperated, she rolled her eyes and said, “You don’t have to drink them! That’s what the potted plant is for next to your table. Look at that menu and I’ll be back.” With that she spun and stomped away to tell the bartender to be sure and add a little phlegm to my order.

I focused on the back of the menu. There were two announcements

Smokers! To continue enjoying your rights to smoke in this bar we must insist that you balance your food and alcohol intake. The city requires that our revenues from food not exceed 30% of the total. When we re-opened this bar under the new name, our regulars insisted that we make everyone who wanted to buy food pay their own way. The formula is simple, for every dollar of food that you purchase you must also buy $2.33 worth of drinks. We have calculated the drink minimum for each food item to the left of the dollar sign in big red letters.

Food Cards! It’s the easy way to afford food at Smiley O’Smokey’s! Ask your waitress for a free card. Each time you buy a drink you get a punch. When you have enough punches you can turn in the card to buy food without having to buy a drink minimum. Help Smiley keep the place Smokey and help your self to our great food!

.

I really needed a drink and a smoke to work through all of this. Looking over at the next table, I was inspired.

“Excuse me,” I said to the guy nearest me, “do any of you have any punched cards you don’t need or extra drinks?”

The entire table turned to me and served up stony silence and gritty stares.

“No, bud,” said the guy slowly, “I don’t have any to spare. I’m trying to save up so I can get a Filet Mignon.”

I dropped my eyes, muttered my apologies, and turned back to my table. A quick look at the menu revealed that the Green Peppercorn Filet Mignon with herb potatoes and vegetable medley was a 53 drink minimum.

“Ready now?” the waitress was back smiling in triumph. She had obviously seen what had just happened.

“I surrender. Just bring me four martinis very dry with no phlegm and a food coupon. I need to get drunk.”

Voiding the Fill

According to the conventional wisdom, the cockroach is the most pervasive presence on the planet. Impervious to extremes of heat and cold, radiation resistant, and equipped with permanent body armor the cockroach can be found everywhere man is found including the space shuttle.

The conventional wisdom is biased in favor of things that walk. The honor of place at the precipice of permeation of the planet belongs to advertising. Every thing you wear is labeled on the inside or the out with a brand name. There are ads on the street, in the shopping cart, playing at the gas pump, dancing across your screen, and spamming up your email. You can’t even escape it in the bathroom where in Valdosta $350 a month will purchase you ten ads strategically placed in the restrooms of popular restaurants and bars all over town.

grapevine advertising is the name of the capital letter challenged company that sells these ads. I was disappointed when the promotional literature arrived on plain cheap paper instead of toilet paper. I had hoped that their creativity extended beyond typography. Most of the literature focused on telling you that shoving advertising in front of people’s eyes while they were in the process of voiding their bowels and bladders was in good taste.

I am informed that the Boston Globe said, “This is the only place in the world people will stand in line to read advertising.” I suppose Siskel and Ebert would give it two thumbs up if Siskel were still alive. (I wonder which way the undertaker positioned his thumb?)

Of all the mammals only certain species of deer keep walking while they void. The grapevine people say our immobility is the secret to their sucess. They call it the captive audience. I beg to differ. There is no chain attached to the urinal. If I got hot enough about urinal advertising, I guess I could just walk away while irrigating being careful not to splash on myself or others.

Piss on bathroom advertising. Get on your toes and try. Barring that, a strategically placed plastic cup should give you enough ammunition.

Me and Reagan

Andrew Furgeson has a neat article in The Weekly Stantard called Me and Reagan (subscription required) that goes into all of the stories and guests on televison of people claiming to have known Ronald Reagan intimately -- even though there is plenty of evidence that Reagan was open with few people including members of his own family Furgeson has a great joke at the end of the article:


"The story is told of a dirt farmer in Columbus, New Mexico, who was seized in a raid by Pancho Villa's men. He was brought before Villa, who sat imperiously atop his mount in the village square, devouring his lunch.

The farmer begged for his life. Villa pointed to a nearby horsepie. 'You eat that,' Villa said with a sadistic grin, 'and I will spare your life.' Horribly, the farmer did as he was told. Villa kept his word, and the man returned to his farm.

Years later, the farmer's grandchildren came to him in excitement. 'Grandpa,' they said, 'is it true you once saw the great Villa?'

'Saw him?' the old man replied. 'I had lunch with him!'"

Warning! This Warning May Make You Buy the Product

As if we did not have enough reasons to buy more than we need comes news from marketing circles of a new method to sell more products. It's called the warning. Inspired by the Viagra advertisements that warn "erections may last up to seven hours" as part of the disclaimer, copywriters are now delving for other problems with silver linings to include in their pitches. Here is our own offering:

* Use by children under 18 is prohibited
* Could make you get intoxicated faster than normal
* Weight loss could be faster than desired. See your physician
* Could make your breasts look larger
* Could result in triplets

Have some to contribute? send them to heystupid@thegoosesnest.com

Cypress Cement Swamp

There is a shortage of cement in Florida which is akin to being at a loss to produce crushed ice in Alaska. The Peninsula of Florida is made of a combination of limestone and clay, the same ingredients you need to make cement on your stovetop. The stovetop, by the by, is where Portland Cement was invented.

The shortage of cement is contributing to the continuing shortage of hair on top of Kent Buescher and the rest of the guys and gals at Wild Adventures who were trying to open Cypress Gardens by July.

The link takes you to news from Florida that Cypress Gardens is in worse shape than previously thought and that the opening has been delayed until October. Further delays are caused by the international shortage of cement and the regionalized shortage in Florida.

Time for a visit to the grocery store for a bag of stovetop cement although I am told that two week old Hamburger Helper is also pretty sturdy.

Things You Shouldn't Do In Valdosta

The mail has really piled up with suggests for the growing list of things not to do. Here is a sampling of the mail with credit where it is due and smarty comments from me (of course)

From Danielle
Give away your Yankee status immediately by asking a local if they think the term "pole bender" sounds perverted.

Suggest that the Bible did not come down from heaven in its current form. In English, of course!

I also have fun when I tell people I am Episcopalian. They will ask if we use the King James Version and I get to tell them that King James founded our church and ask if they like our bible.

from someone clueless
Don’t let me find out who is making these raciest remarks on this website! Why don’t you stop hiding behind your monitor and start saying these things in public like a true k. k .k. member! Try doing something more productive with your spare time ya dork!

They threw me out of the K.K.K. because I insisted on wearing Snoopy bedsheets

Nicole
Let go of your shopping cart in the Publix parking lot. It will roll 'til it hits 30 mph or a person, whichever comes first!

Kathleen
being late and expecting not to catch the damned ol' train on baytree
being early and not expecting to catch the damned ol'train on baytree

Atkinsd4
Call Dominoes and ask for a Meat Lovers, Supreme, Pan, or Stuffed Crust (because those pizzas are at Pizza Hut)

Robyn4MK
Go out to Grassy Pond with a loaf of bread and say, "Here Gator, Gator"

John
Don't believe them when they say they are saving that collector car "for their grandson"

Jado
Talk about how good things are in Atlanta

Pandy's Box
Drive to Lake City for beer on Sunday and speed back to Valdosta with no headlights on.

JustValdosta

An Entire String of Good Ones!

• Correct a native's pronunciation of the word Pecan.


• Say that East Alden Avenue is NOT a cut through street to Williams Street
  or Ashley Street


• Try to go through Zaxby's drive thru when you absolutely need something to
  eat right then!


• Smoke Buglers anywhere because they look like joints.


• Throw out cigarette butts on Baytree until you cross over the creek bridge
  out of Remerton!


• Actually think that the bridges will ice over in winter


• Expect more than 2 channels with rabbit ears


• Ask why channel 35 goes from Moesha to Home Shopping to snow.