Disaster At Night Club

Valdosta, GA (AP) -- The unveiling of a new smoke filtration system at Smiley O'Smokies Bar Monday night ended with multiple injuries and thousands of dollars in damages to the building. Two people were admitted to South Georgia Medical Center and six were treated and released. All had been injured by flying debris when the maladjusted system was switched on for the first time.

The air filtration system had recently been installed to bring the bar into compliance with new smoking regulations. According to the manufacturer, the system is supposed to change out the air in the bar six times per minute. O'Smokies owner, Carl Browning, admitted that he was too "zealous" when making the settings on the machine, but did not think that the maximum settings would have caused the accident.

"It says in the manual that the maximum setting is safe as long as nothing is within three feet of the air return", said Browning.

The system was switched on shortly after 7 pm at the conclusion of a short ceremony that was supposed to end with the lighting of cigarettes and cigars by the crowd. Many were wearing promotional t-shirts carrying the slogan, "The A/C at O'Smokies Really Sux".

Seconds after the switch was thrown, things went seriously wrong.

Felicia Bennett, who was being treated by EMT's at the scene, said, "It was like being sucked into a giant vacuum cleaner. Everything on the table flew off and I was pulled off my chair and banged into another table."

The most serious injuries occurred to two waitresses who were pulled from the bottom of the stack of debris at the foot of the air intake. Both are listed in good condition at SGMC but names are being withheld at this time until families have been notified.

"I kept telling those girls that they needed to eat a sandwich," said Browning, "you can be too skinny."

Several patrons of the bar were standing outside clutching at blankets as parts of their clothing had been sucked into the system. One well known bald man was heard remarking over and over that O’Smokies owed him a new toupee until EMT's wrapped him in a blanket and treated him for shock.

Moving among the crowd was City Councilman Sonny Vickers whose district includes the downtown area where the bar is located.. "I told them and told them that smoking in bars was bad for your health," exclaimed Vickers as he leaned over to spit tobacco juice over the curb and missed, "Now look at all this mess."

A police spokesperson said that no charges have been made at this time pending an investigation by the department and OSHA. Browning estimates that the restaurant will be closed for "about a week" while repairs are being made.

Conservative Kitties

My sister, god love her, is a socialist. She lives with about twenty thousand books and two cats, Tye and Bubba. To keep the cats from being lonely when she is away from home she keeps a radio playing softly on NPR. The cats spend their days with Bob and Noah and Renee and Neal and the rest soaking up liberal ideology. At least they do when she is around. This summer she is running a church camp on the edge of a marsh overlooking Brunswick, St Simons, and Jekyll.

My job is to feed the cats and I confess that I've fed more than their furry little bodies. I changed the radio station to the local AM with its cast of conservative commentators. I figured that listening to eight weeks of Rush Limbaugh would do them some good but I wasn't prepared for what happened.

Tye thinks that dogs should get a job while Bubba is hoping that Ronald Reagan will free him from this communist prison so he can go eat some birds. Tye likes sleeping on The Wall Street Journal and Bubba is partial to The Weekly Standard. They both have eschewed the fresh water in the toilet bowl and demand their water ration to come from bottles so as to avoid fluorine. Neither cat shows any sign of feeling guilt, liberal or otherwise.

Traces of their liberal upbringing still cling to them. They would not be caught dead in a "good Republican cloth coat" because they prefer fur. They consider the free food from the government (me) to be a god given right. They still act as if they are superior to everyone.

Amazed at the sudden transformation of these kitties, I decided to experiment more and moved the dial to the new Christian rock station. Hisses and caterwauling were the instant result and Bubba attempted to gnaw off my ankle. I immediately dialed over to some classical music that was coming from NPR while the talkers caught their breath and the cats calmed down and started purring.

Cats will let you change their politics, but don't mess with their music.