August 9, 1997

Guiltless Voting

"There will be an election soon and some of you are going to lose your jobs!" So wrote the angry writer in the local scandal sheet letters column. Democracy is an ugly thing.

In Valdosta, the local election sport has been to throw out the venal bastards and replace them with ignorant, venal-bastard-wannabes. All that is required to run for office is to be a "local boy" as in "yeah, I know he's an ax murderer and all but he's better than the other guy and besides, he's a local boy." Don't laugh. It's how Bill Clinton got to be Governor of Arkansas.

Some years ago, I attended an election forum in the mistaken belief that I should be an informed voter. In the race for coroner was a Medical Examiner, a Forensic Pathologist, and an Emergency Medical Technician. The EMT was a local boy. The other guys were cannon fodder with Ph.D.'s and not one chance in hell. The local boy pointed out that he had saved his money and paid off his car so that he would be able to work "full time" on the $15,000 a year coroner salary and not have to moonlight as a janitor somewhere. He did not mention that this might be a raise from his current high wage job driving the ambulance.

They arrested our new coroner for possession of marijuana not long after the election. In his trailer, police found a gruesome collection of body parts that he had put together from the bio-waste bags at the hospital. He said it was a hobby. Let us hope the police avoid the temptation to raid the Director of Public Sanitation's home any time soon.

One of the Ph.D.'s was appointed acting coroner and did a credible job. He was trounced in the next election by another "local boy" whose position on the issues was that since he drove the hearse for the local funeral home and was already in the presence of the beloved departed he might as well sign the papers. And collect $15k per year.

When you vote in an election you take a chance with your self regard. How would you feel if you had given your vote to a guy who was found with spare body parts in his trailer? I still cringe over the fact that I, straight out of high school and two months after a two-bit burglary, voted for Richard Nixon.

That is why I always vote for the loser.

Almost any politician is going to be a loser, so I vote for the candidate who is guaranteed by the pollsters and pundits to be one on election day. I get the satisfaction of being a good citizen who never misses an election. I also get to avoid having to take responsibility for whoever wins.

This method does require that you pay at least a modicum of attention to the news. There was the year that I thought I was safe voting for Jesse Jackson in the Georgia Democratic Presidential Primary only to have him paste Al Gore. I was very relieved when Jesse made that "hymie town" remark two weeks later in New York.

I advise you not to emulate my method unless you enjoy taking perverse risks. There is always the possibility that everyone else joins you in your cynical vote for Mondale, Dukakis, or Bush and you end up having to take that "don't blame me" sticker off your bumper.

Yes, there are those dilettantes who vote for Mickey Mouse on election day. Idiots! Why would someone want to stand in line at the polls on election day just to throw away their vote?

© Copyright 1997 Merrill Guice, All Rights Reserved