US Ends Ban on Media Photos of War Dead
Phone Ring Tone.
“Thank you for calling the New York Times. For circulation press one, for classifieds, press two, for newsroom press three, for special offers on coffin-photos press nineteen sixty-eight.”
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
“This is the Media Release forms department. Someone will be with you in just a moment.”
Music.
“When your representative comes on the line, be sure to ask about our free 8×10 offer. If you sign up today you get a free sports..”
“Media Releases”
“Yeah, I want to complain about this stupid media release forms for coffins business.”
“Another one? Hold, I’ll connect you.”
Music.
“Hello this Maniar. How may I be helping you?”
“You can help me by kissing my ass.”
“I am sorry. I am in Bengaluru and you are in the United States. I am unable to be kissing your ass at this time. I apologize for the inconvenience.”
“Like Hell. Where do you people get off thinking that you can take a picture of my dead son’s coffin?”
“Please accept my condolences for your loss, I..”
“No he’s not dead yet, but if he was, why in the heck would you want to take a picture of his coffin, anyway?”
“I will not be taking the picture, sir, and I apologize for that. Still, you should listen to the offer. It is a pretty good deal.”
“I don’t want an 8×10 glossy of my son’s coffin!”
“Maybe someone else in your family would desire the picture, sir. Even so, you would still get to keep the Sports Bottle with our compliments.”
“Sports Bottle?”
“and your son would also get to be the first off the plane when it lands at Andrews Air Force Base. Its a pretty sweet deal. VIP treatment.”
“wait a minute, what are you talking about?”
“so few people sign the media release form that The New York Times is having problems keeping unreleased coffins out of the picture. By signing the release form, your son will join the elite group that leaves the plane first for picture taking. All the others have to wait back in the plane where there is no air conditioning.”
“Why don’t you make those sons of media whores wait in the back of the plane?”
“I understand how you feel, sir, and I apologize that your undead son will have to wait in the back of the plane. I have been authorized to offer you our special video package if you will reconsider.”
“Video?”
“Our media partner, MSNBC, will provide a video of your undead son’s coffin as it leaves the plane. By special arrangement, it will be inserted into a video featuring Country Joe and the Fish singing the ‘I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die‘ rag.”
“I’ve got a good mind to fly over to India and kick your inconvenient ass right now.”
“Maybe you would like the eight wallet sizes instead?”
Phone slams down.
Dial tone.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
“We can also facilitate cremation services for your undead son Sir if you do desire.
We have a special offer for sandal-wood pyers…”
Jaffer´s last blog post..Mellow Yellow Monday: Yellow Label Tea
Would that be authentic sandalwood or the sandalwood oil infused wood shaped product?
This just in. Used coffins and flags are available to show off the well-worn look…
Very funny post, Marvel!
ReformingGeek´s last blog post..Race Day – Second Half
A nice twist on the story, Mr. Guice. Very nicely done, and way to include Jaffer in on the fun.
unfinishedrambler´s last blog post..I’m losing FOLLOWERS! Oh, no!
Good one!
You weren’t very clear. Does the 8X10 of your undead son’s coffin come WITH the sports package or not?
Kirsten´s last blog post..Don’t Spread the Joy
Hi Soccer Mom, thank you for commenting today.
I apologize for my not being clear and I regret the inconvenience with all insincerity.
The clue is in the phone message at the top of the article. You get an “8×10 and a free sports…” I clip it there and then bring it back at the middle. Yeah, I know humorists shouldn’t be subtle.
The confusing part is that Maniar is using “announcerize” English that I overlay with a modified pidgin language. Lots of absurdity is set up with that device. I decided to sacrifice a little clarity in order to keep that funny word complimentary in there. C words are always funny and I considered the outright boldfaced lie worth the cost.
the caller could keep the 8×10 and the complimentary sports bottle if they wish. The sports bottle is complimentary because you have to sign up today to get it. or tomorrow, or the next day or the day after that. We’ll even give you the complimentary sports bottle on the internet website, but there we will call it the “exclusive internet offer” Sports Bottle.
I hoping that this is pleasing to you.
I’d be interested in any special offers involving my coffin’s picture being taken with a model from Hot Rod magazine.
Amen.
Stumbled.
John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer´s last blog post..Boxlot Post #3
Hey Goose! I have not seen you in a while. I have you in today’s post all pierced. Too cool man.
ettarose´s last blog post..Burning Questions We All Have
Classic. I’m near India – would like me to go do the honours … ?
Chris´s last blog post..Dinner time: Sushi conveyor belt
I too feel that same way ! I’ve cancelled my accounts that are having their customer service people in India. Great post !
Kate Rawlins´s last blog post..Sometimes a cigar is more than …
Just out of idle curiosity, do you have a son? And what if your son were Orthodox Jewish, requiring burial within 24 hours of death? Or Buddhist, requiring cremation within 36 hours of death? Seems like the NYT media dept. needs a much more in-depth script.
To answer your question, there are two very undead sons here.
I don’t normally make fun of comparative religion studies because the subject would be too esoteric to make a general audience laugh. If I were to mention Orthodox Jews or Buddhists it would be to make fun of them. Like this:
Somehow, I don’t think the Orthodox Jews or the Buddhists are going to be very happy with you for suggesting this.