My wife and I have a yearly Christmas tradition. We go out to the Mall on Christmas Eve, plop down in chairs at Chic*fil*a and watch all the stressed-out last minute Christmas shoppers as they run dither and hither past our table.  Pass the honey-mustard, please.

This is when the tie you hate is bought.  When the weird is purchased because the freaked have convinced themselves that you will love it.  They have crossed over into a different world that is only visited by the insane, the hallucinatory, and Ebenezer Scrooge.  They have entered Christmas Hell.

There is the busy businessman who was too busy to be bothered picking out something expensive at the Jewelery Store.  He has to buy something VERY expensive because his wife discounts for waiting until the last minute. What she really wanted was him to replace the Spode Christmas Dinner Plate that Aunt Mary dropped last year and include a nice thoughtful note.

There is the thrifty shopper who keeps waiting for the price to go down one more notch and now has to buy it and by golly, they ran out.  Complete rage quickly turns into a Panic Attack right there in J.C. Penny.  Two Xanax later she is down at Spencer Gifts buying Polly the Profane Parrot who squawks such adorable endearments like “Polly Want A F*in Cracker”, “Hey Baby, Show Us Your T*T’s!” and ” Go F Yourself, ” among other classy quotes.

Then there are the completely disorganized. The flakes of the world who think it is fun to go out and buy everything at the last minute just for the pure heck of it.  They have a blast on Christmas handing out such classic books as “The Truth About Chuck Norris” or a shirt that is two sizes too small.  They think this is more fun than Beer on a Stick while you, well you get the left-over stick.

Watching these people hurry by my table with the fires of Christmas Hell flashing from their eyes has more that  once made me wish I could open a kiosk selling single doses of Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, and Effexor at twenty bucks a pop.  I’d throw in the cup of water for free.

Most people just hit up some teenagers. The advent of ADHD, ADD, OCD, and Tourettes has placed some pretty powerful pharmacology in their teen jean pockets. For a little last minute shopping Christmas cash, they’ll smooth out the rough spots for you.

But, you know, like, you’ll have to go buy your own water, dude.

Friends drop by at our table and speak a bit, but then have to rush on to buy more stuff.  We get their stories and their excuses and why they can’t find it and any number of details.  People watching is still the best entertainment.

That is why a new service on the Internet called Twitter is so popular.  People just type in what they are doing in 140 words or less and toss them out for the world to see.  They can send them by E-mail, Text Message, or by logging in at twitter.com.

For instance, ambylauren wrote: One of my cats is eating a cardboard box, the other is eating the fake Christmas tree…I swear I feed them. Sounds like a case for the Pet Psychic.

Speaking of psychologists,  here is a twitter from starkeyart who needs to see one: Note to self: Never look at pictures of Christmas past, when it was still magic. [explicative deleted]. I believe the going rate is $70 an hour to find where the magic went.

Just one more from zanylanie who: is feeling like Scrooge as she drafts a divorce judgment to become final next week. Merry Christmas kids – mommy and daddy are divorced! See he should have paid attention, bought the Spode, and wrote a note.

By the way, none of these are made up.  I just put a few search terms in at search.twitter.com and a bunch of stressed out people ran by my virtual Chic*fil*a table.

Just to perk myself up, I searched for “Christmas Romance” and got this unlikely pair of tweets:

HarlequinBooks: Author Lori Devoti says vampires and Christmas are a perfect mix. Find out why in her Paranormal Romance Blog post: http://twurl.nl/gody4s

carmenincalgary: My Saturday nights have come to this… me laying on the couch reading Christmas a themed Harlequin romance… pathetic… yet comforting.

I wonder if carmenincalary was reading the one about the Christmas Vampire.

People do find each other and fall in love on Twitter. It is all detailed in a blog post called How Gwen + Joel Met (on Twitter, natch), Fell in Love, Got Engaged: A Story of New School Tech, Old School Courtship and Big, Big Love.  Look for the updated Holiday movie of this arriving at the Mall next year.  They’ll cut down the title to something punchier like: “You’ve Got A Twit”.

So this year, when you are out shopping in the rush, be on the look out for the new people watchers.  They will be the ones ignoring all the people who walk by as they follow the ultimate reality show of Twitter on their iPhone, Treo, or Blackberry.

If you happen to walk by the corner table at Chic*fil*a stop by and say hi. We don’t have any pharmaceuticals, but would be happy to share a chicken nugget with you.

By the By, the Daily Egg is also on Twitter. I post a daily one-liner that I hope is funny each day. You can sign up for a free account at Twitter and then go searching for “The Daily Egg”

You cannot do that in Valdosta! There is something about being told “you cannot” that creates the urge to do it immediately. With that warning, here are more suggestions for our growing list of 100 Things You Cannot Do in Valdosta.

Last week’s posting brought a wealth of suggestions. I’ve included the ones that do not duplicate others. As always, I sometimes edit to make them punchy. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

When in Valdosta DON’T …

• expect Dexter Sharper to let a chance to run for office to pass him by.
• look dumb founded when someone asks to hold your pen, or ask why. Just let them have it; they’ll give it back.
• ask where the VSU Stadium is located.
• try to buy beer after 2 in the morning.
• be such a lush that you run out of beer at 2 in the morning.
• admit you are a Democrat.
• open a new bar. Nobody messes with Rockin Rodeo…nobody.
• use your blinker.
• feed your baby milk. Put Coca-Cola in the bottle! It’s a tradition!
• put your shopping cart in the cart drop-off. Leave it anywhere.
• tell a girl that you are from Moody AFB unless you are a pilot.
• look at the “I hate bugs” billboards.
• make fun of the “I hate bugs” billboards. It’s the owner’s daughter!
• expect to make good wages — unless you are from out of town.
• ask if it is incestuous to slow dance with your daughter at the Father/Daughter dance.
• diagonal park downtown, even if your little car will fit in that box.
• expect the lights to stay on after the first lightning strike.

You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you either have a gmail account or an OpenAccess account. If you have neither, clicking on the comment link will give you a chance to do so.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

The most endless feature of this column is the quest to come up with a list of 100 Things You Cannot Do In Valdosta. The list currently stands at 50 items after a long-overdue pruning to get rid of out of date items, politicians who were hounded out of office, or people who died and ruined our fun.

Here are some items I am thinking of adding. The silly poll hanging out somewhere to your left on this page will let you vote on the ones you like best. If you want to add your own, vote for other and the software will let you add one. Comments are also allowed. With all these options, we do limit you to one set per customer.

• Start a brawl (or join one) at First Friday Celebrations downtown.

 

• Tell Reverend Rose you are not the son or daughter of a slaveowner.

 

• Hack the Valdosta Daily Times website during an election.

 

• Name a Parking Garage after Former VSU President Ron Zaccari.

 

• Tell your friends you know where the Olive Garden is going to be built

 

• Ask what are those big pointy things are outside of the arts center

Send me your suggestions!

You can also clink the link for comments at the end of this post or click on the envelope icon to send me an email. Do you get the idea that I want you to react to this?

Welcome to the list of 100 things You Should NOT do in Valdosta. This list began at the turn of the century (this one, not the last one) and has grown and shrunk since then. Sometimes jokes get old, or things change, or people we made fun of died, or got run out of office.

The list is ordered from oldest to newest. If you are a repeat viewer, you can go to the newer things here.

You can contribute to the list. I’m short of 100 right now so I am actively encouraging contributions. Just leave your comment at the bottom of the page.

1. Wear your dentures to a country concert at Wild Adventures
2. Drive 75 mph on North Patterson so you can catch all the red lights
3. Refer to Valdosta as “The Home of Enos from the Dukes of Hazzard”
4. Being late and expecting not to catch the damned old train on Baytree
5. Ask: “Who was Wright Bazemore?”
6. Being early and not expecting to catch the damned old train on Baytree
7. Order iced tea without saying “sweet” or “unsweet” first
8. Be pregnant and wear a Bikini to Wild Adventures
9. Ask anyone in Clyattville where that smell comes from
10. Actually think that the bridges will ice over in winter
11. Call Valdosta Technical College the “Tech School”
12. Call VSU “Valdosta College”
13. Correct a native’s pronunciation of the word Pecan
14. Don’t believe them when they say they are saving that collector car “for their grandson”
15. Drive through Remerton too fast, too slow, or too close to the center line
16. Expect anything intelligent in the VD Times Rant and Rave
17. Let go of your shopping cart in the Publix parking lot” It will roll ’til it hits 30 mph or a person, whichever comes first
18. Say that academics is more important than football
19. Support City/County School consolidation
20. Volunteer to bring cookies to the breast feeding class at the Lowndes County Health Department
21. Wear a Viking Cap at Valdosta High
22. Wear a Wildcat Cap at Lowndes High
23. Drive to Lake City for beer on Sunday and speed back to Valdosta with no headlights on
24. Expect more than 2 channels with rabbit ears
25. Expect to make a living wage at Valdosta State University
26. Give away your Yankee status immediately by asking if the term “pole bender” sounds perverted
27. Go out to Grassy Pond with a loaf of bread and say, “Here Gator, Gator”
28. Leave crayons on the seat of your car in the summer
29. Let your dog use the bathroom in your neighbor’s yard
30. Let your kids believe everything they teach them in the DARE program – its OK to have wine with a meal!
31. Look for a library at the “Carnegie Library” on Central Ave
32. Make fun of a member of the Security Forces Detachment at Moody AFB for having a Northern Accent
33. Make fun of someone’s southern accent
34. Make Sopranos references at Mom and Dad’s
35. Openly discuss your admiration for the genius of Charles Darwin
36. Pay list price for anything
37. Put Hooter’s Gift Certificates in the collection plate on Sunday
38. Say that East Alden Avenue is NOT a cut through street to Williams Street or Ashley Street
39. Shout, “look at that mullet” when a redneck heaves into view
40. Sit outside and let the mosquito’s bite
41. Smoke Buglers anywhere because they look like joints
42. Spit off the Sky Walk at VSU
43. Talk about how good things are in Atlanta
44. Transport drugs on I-75 and drive real fast
45. Try to get anywhere on time if driving on Bemiss Road
46. Try to turn left onto Gornto from the Baytree Bank of America parking lot
47. Answer an ad in the classifieds looking for a Gator Trapper
48. Bet on the Braves winning the World Series
49. Call it a pond instead of a bar pit, you dumb Yankee
50. Circle repeatedly around the VSU campus in your late-model sports car while playing really loud rap music and carrying several ounces of marijuana in your glove compartment
51. Tell Reverend Rose you are not the son or daughter of a slaveowner
52. Name a Parking Garage after Former VSU President Ron Zaccari.
53. Tell your friends you know where the Olive Garden is going to be built
54. Ask what are those big pointy things are outside of the arts center
55. Hack the Valdosta Daily Times website during an election.

Go to the Top

You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you give a name and an email address. I have to approve comments before they appear.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

The mail has really piled up with suggests for the growing list of things not to do. Here is a sampling of the mail with credit where it is due and smarty comments from me (of course)

From Danielle

Give away your Yankee status immediately by asking a local if they think the term “pole bender” sounds perverted.

Suggest that the Bible did not come down from heaven in its current form. In English, of course!

I also have fun when I tell people I am Episcopalian. They will ask if we use the King James Version and I get to tell them that King James founded our church and ask if they like our bible.  

from someone clueless

Don’t let me find out who is making these raciest remarks on this website! Why don’t you stop hiding behind your monitor and start saying these things in public like a true k. k .k. member! Try doing something more productive with your spare time ya dork!

They threw me out of the K.K.K. because I insisted on wearing Snoopy bedsheets 

Nicole

Let go of your shopping cart in the Publix parking lot. It will roll ’til it hits 30 mph or a person, whichever comes first!

Kathleen

being late and expecting not to catch the damned ol’ train on baytree

being early and not expecting to catch the damned ol’train on baytree

Atkinsd4

Call Dominoes and ask for a Meat Lovers, Supreme, Pan, or Stuffed Crust (because those pizzas are at Pizza Hut)

Robyn4MK

Go out to Grassy Pond with a loaf of bread and say, “Here Gator, Gator”

John

Don’t believe them when they say they are saving that collector car “for their grandson”

Jado

Talk about how good things are in Atlanta

Pandy’s Box

Drive to Lake City for beer on Sunday and speed back to Valdosta with no headlights on.

JustValdosta

An Entire String of Good Ones! 

• Correct a native’s pronunciation of the word Pecan.

 

• Say that East Alden Avenue is NOT a cut through street to Williams Street

  or Ashley Street

 

• Try to go through Zaxby’s drive thru when you absolutely need something to

  eat right then!

 

• Smoke Buglers anywhere because they look like joints.

 

• Throw out cigarette butts on Baytree until you cross over the creek bridge

  out of Remerton!

 

• Actually think that the bridges will ice over in winter

 

• Expect more than 2 channels with rabbit ears

 

• Ask why channel 35 goes from Moesha to Home Shopping to snow.