Enough has happened in the past few weeks to keep the tabloids happy for months and months and months. I am posting the most obvious ones now so that I can collect the royalties later.

	Micheal Jackson’s Face Appears on Tortilla Made in Mendocino Chiconahui Jimenez found more than tortillas in her skillet Friday night
	Karl Malden’s Penis is Missing Police think that a vengeful visitor snitched the wang during wake. Macabre market exists for celebrity body parts.  Part described as “remarkably resembling his nose”.
	Aliens Abducted Billy Mays Wait, there’s more!
	Micheal Jackson and Elephant Man to Tour Calling it the “Snuffed and Stuffed” Tour, mummified remains to go around the world. Special guest appearance in Moscow at Lenin’s Tomb.
	Batboy – I was Ed McMahon’s Love Child In an emotional and sometimes incomprehensible press conference, Bat Boy finally revealed the secret of his origins.
	Billy Mays Didn’t Have to Die – Vince If he had just used my Slap Chop® to eat healthy snacks and salads he would be with us today.

as-salaamu ‘alaykum!

Abdul-Baqi,

I am writing you from my new infidel prison in the United States.  It is so bad that I yearn to return to Guantanamo.   We are located next to the ocean as before.

Every day they take us out for exercise on the beach.  We are made to bathe in the ocean that has been defiled by the bodies of whores.   The water is full of them. Young whores, old whores, little baby whores all nearly undressed with just little pieces of cloth for cover.  Yes, my brother, I am sorely tested in my Al-Birr.

We are made to play games in the sand. Foolish games. Very soon you are sweaty, sticky from your whore bath, and with sand stuck everywhere.  Then you take a shower and it is back to the room.

Sand is everywhere.  It is in the bed, on the floor, on my prayer mat, and in all the unmentionable places in your body.

After so long at Camp Guantanamo, my skin does not resist the sun. I am in much pain and peeling all the time.  All the infidel will do for me is supply some white cream in a bottle with a picture on the front of a baby whore having its pants pulled down by a dog.  I refuse to use it.

They think they did us a favor by supplying us with an infidel television. It is an abomination.  There are cartoons featuring a homosexual sponge.  My room mate, Khalifah, was addicted to it for a while. Every night I had to sit with my back to the set with my pillow over my head.

One night, Blessed be Allah, someone named Adam Lambert lost some stupid contest and Khalifah smashed the abomination with a chair.  He now regrets his lapse and joins me at night memorizing chapters from the Koran.

The food is delivered to our room by guards dressed as waiters. There is no Falafel, shawirma, or baklawa.  Instead we are offered infidel food like steak, fried chicken, and seafood.

I would start a hunger strike but the word is that the last hunger striker was forced to eat three Krystal Burgers in a row. I have never had a Krystal Burger but I know I can barely finish one hamburger much less three.

These people are beasts.

Everywhere they ask me if I am happy now that the excretory president of theirs has brought us to the United States.  May the snails devour his corpse!  May he be laid prostrate by the curse of curses!

I swear, a sacred Bayah, should I ever escape I will blow this place to hell.  If I do not make it home, Baqi, you would honor me if you would carry out this deed.  Never forget the name of this jail of shame:   Holiday Inn.

Shalom Abdul-Baqi,

Salah al Din

as-salaamu ‘alaykum!

I’ll be wearing blue for St Patrick’s Day, just to be authentic.

Blue, you see, is the official color of Saint Patrick.  He explained the Holy Trinity to pre-Christian Irish by using the three leaves of the shamrock.  The phrase “the wearing of the green” comes from wearing a shamrock as a sign of protest to show you were Catholic during the Protestant reign of Great Britain.  Nowadays if you are a Protestant in the North you wear orange on March 17th in Protest of the Catholic Church.

But St. Patrick liked blue.

You can cover all three bases by wearing green, orange, and blue.  Or you can just puke on yourself, which is what many will do on St. Patrick’s Day, anyway.

When the British Parliament made St. Patrick’s Day an official banking holiday in 1907, part of the legislation called for the pubs to be closed on March 17th.  Some say this caused the second Irish emigration to New York. The Irish did without until a change of law in the 1970’s.

St. Patrick is one of three patron saints of Ireland. The other three being Brigid of Kildare and St Columba.

Being a nun, Brigid was rather frigid and a wet blanket at parties.  St Columba, on the other hand, was a brawler in the best Irish tradition. When St Finnian refused to let St Columba have a psalter (a book of psalms) that Columba had copied by hand, the fight escalated and was not settled until many died in the Battle of Cúl Dreimhner.  Columba was exiled to Scotland. Saint Finnian became a saint. Who do YOU think won?

We don’t know when Patrick was born, where exactly in Ireland his mission was, or how he died. In fact, all we have are two letters of his.  In one letter he is defending himself against charges of financial perfidy.  St Patrick refused to take bribes from Kings so they used that as a basis to accuse him of being a thief. Logic is not a strong point in Ireland.

In the other letter, he announces that he has excommunicated certain Brythonic warriors of Coroticu for pillage, rape, and murder.  He did this after they had fled the country: which made it easy for everyone else to shun them.

Patrick did not literally run all the snakes out of Ireland because, according to the fossil evidence, there were no snakes on the island as they had all been crushed by the glaciers in the last Ice Age.  The snake was the symbol for the Druids and Patrick was in the business of converting Druids to Christianity.  More specifically, he had a knack for getting rich Druid females to start nunneries depriving rich Male Druids of places to put their snakes.

This was all foretold in a prophesy of the Druids:

Across the sea will come Adze-head, crazed in the head,
his cloak with hole for the head, his stick bent in the head.
He will chant impieties from a table in the front of his house;
all his people will answer: “so be it, so be it.

Druid poetry, you see, is an oxymoron.

We don’t know where Patrick is buried.  There is good reason for this.  When he died a gigantic tug of war called “Battle for the Body” almost happened.  I say almost because the Lord sent a flood to separate the armies and then fooled both of them into thinking they were walking off with the body. Who knows, maybe Patrick got left on the riverbank to provide fertilizer for clover.  Wearing the green, so to speak.

So, for St Patrick’s Day, I will wear blue and have a “bit of the green” on my collar, but no orange. Like all the Druids bellying up to the bar, I’m going to pretend to be Irish Catholic for the day.

Excerpted from “History of Biomedics” Little Brown & Co. ©2052

… Jackson kicked off his sixth comeback tour by appearing in public with a completely new nose that had been grown in place using stem cells, a massive elective surgery market was created overnight. The dislocations to society stemming from this and the riots of 2016 are still being felt to this day.

The supply of stem cells in the twenty-teens was limited by the quaint idea that profits were evil.  The medical industry could not purchase stem cells on the open market and the only supply could come from the eggs left over from in vitro fertilization.

The American Red Cross began an aggressive program to gather fertilized eggs for legitimate surgery. Teenage girls were encouraged to have unprotected sex and visit their American Red Cross afterwards.  This was not popular with parents and the amounts collected were minimal.

Black Markets in stem cells soon sprung up under the sponsorship of organized crime.  Brothels made so much from collecting and selling fertilized eggs that they began charging for the drinks and giving away sex for free.

Teenagers and parents were soon battling over requests to add extra fingers and toes like the new cool kids on the Disney Channel.

As the demand grew to replace body parts their owners did not like, the prices for surgery using “legal” body parts grew even faster.  Mexico’s lax rules on embryo collection attracted many gringos to “cross the line and come back fine.”

It was estimated that 99.9% of the male population wanted to grow new penises and 33% of females agreed with them.  Those who were rich enough or lucky enough to get the new economy sized models could easily be discerned by their bowlegged gait — which was quickly named the Wing Wang Walk and was the inspiration for a major dance craze.

Congress attempted to pass new laws in 2014 to outlaw Cosmetic and Optional enhancement and “put the Mafia out of business”.  The effort was halted when journalists discovered that the Mafia was spending freely in support of  the bill to limit access to legal stem-cells.

After extensive debate, a  compromise was reached in 2015 wherein any type of body part could be grown for elective surgery as long as the stem cells  for it were donated by an immediate family member.  Liberals refused to support the legislation until funding for stem cell enhancement was made available to the poor.

Soon both poor and rich men were walking the Wing Wang Walk while the middle class seethed.

A naturalist backlash to glorify “natural men” and “natural women” was reflected in new online videos and websites. Enhanced people fought back by calling naturalist women “3S”  for “sore, sorry, and shallow”. Naturalist men were called “nubbies”.

Biological bigotry grew to the point that some lunch counters were refusing to seat men who required an extra cushion in order to sit without hurting themselves.

Events came to a head when, at the start of his seventh come back tour in 2016, Micheal Jackson saw his nose spin off into the audience after several pirouette turns on the catwalk.  An investigation revealed that stem cell grown body parts were structurally weak and could fall off if vigorously shaken for a long period of time.

Riots broke out in cities all over the United States as the….

US Ends Ban on Media Photos of War Dead

Phone Ring Tone.

“Thank you for calling the New York Times. For circulation press one, for classifieds, press two, for newsroom press three, for special offers on coffin-photos press nineteen sixty-eight.”

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

“This is the Media Release forms department. Someone will be with you in just a moment.”

Music.

“When your representative comes on the line, be sure to ask about our free 8×10 offer. If you sign up today you get a free sports..”

“Media Releases”

“Yeah, I want to complain about this stupid media release forms for coffins business.”

“Another one? Hold, I’ll connect you.”

Music.

“Hello this Maniar. How may I be helping you?”

“You can help me by kissing my ass.”

“I am sorry. I am in Bengaluru and you are in the United States. I am unable to be kissing your ass at this time. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

“Like Hell. Where do you people get off thinking that you can take a picture of my dead son’s coffin?”

“Please accept my condolences for your loss, I..”

“No he’s not dead yet, but if he was, why in the heck would you want to take a picture of his coffin, anyway?”

“I will not be taking the picture, sir, and I apologize for that. Still, you should listen to the offer. It is a pretty good deal.”

“I don’t want an 8×10 glossy of my son’s coffin!”

“Maybe someone else in your family would desire the picture, sir. Even so, you would still get to keep the Sports Bottle with our compliments.”

“Sports Bottle?”

“and your son would also get to be the first off the plane when it lands at  Andrews Air Force Base. Its a pretty sweet deal. VIP treatment.”

“wait a minute, what are you talking about?”

“so few people sign the media release form that The New York Times is having problems keeping unreleased coffins out of the picture. By signing the release form, your son will join the elite group that leaves the plane first for picture taking. All the others have to wait back in the plane where there is no air conditioning.”

“Why don’t you make those sons of media whores wait in the back of the plane?”

“I understand how you feel, sir, and I apologize that your undead son will have to wait in the back of the plane.  I have been authorized to offer you our special video package if you will reconsider.”

“Video?”

“Our media partner, MSNBC, will provide a video of your undead son’s coffin as it leaves the plane.  By special arrangement, it will be inserted into a video featuring Country Joe and the Fish singing the ‘I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-to-Die‘ rag.”

“I’ve got a good mind to fly over to India and kick your inconvenient ass right now.”

“Maybe you would like the eight wallet sizes instead?”

Phone slams down.

Dial tone.