Enough has happened in the past few weeks to keep the tabloids happy for months and months and months. I am posting the most obvious ones now so that I can collect the royalties later.

	Micheal Jackson’s Face Appears on Tortilla Made in Mendocino Chiconahui Jimenez found more than tortillas in her skillet Friday night
	Karl Malden’s Penis is Missing Police think that a vengeful visitor snitched the wang during wake. Macabre market exists for celebrity body parts.  Part described as “remarkably resembling his nose”.
	Aliens Abducted Billy Mays Wait, there’s more!
	Micheal Jackson and Elephant Man to Tour Calling it the “Snuffed and Stuffed” Tour, mummified remains to go around the world. Special guest appearance in Moscow at Lenin’s Tomb.
	Batboy – I was Ed McMahon’s Love Child In an emotional and sometimes incomprehensible press conference, Bat Boy finally revealed the secret of his origins.
	Billy Mays Didn’t Have to Die – Vince If he had just used my Slap Chop® to eat healthy snacks and salads he would be with us today.

as-salaamu ‘alaykum!

Abdul-Baqi,

I am writing you from my new infidel prison in the United States.  It is so bad that I yearn to return to Guantanamo.   We are located next to the ocean as before.

Every day they take us out for exercise on the beach.  We are made to bathe in the ocean that has been defiled by the bodies of whores.   The water is full of them. Young whores, old whores, little baby whores all nearly undressed with just little pieces of cloth for cover.  Yes, my brother, I am sorely tested in my Al-Birr.

We are made to play games in the sand. Foolish games. Very soon you are sweaty, sticky from your whore bath, and with sand stuck everywhere.  Then you take a shower and it is back to the room.

Sand is everywhere.  It is in the bed, on the floor, on my prayer mat, and in all the unmentionable places in your body.

After so long at Camp Guantanamo, my skin does not resist the sun. I am in much pain and peeling all the time.  All the infidel will do for me is supply some white cream in a bottle with a picture on the front of a baby whore having its pants pulled down by a dog.  I refuse to use it.

They think they did us a favor by supplying us with an infidel television. It is an abomination.  There are cartoons featuring a homosexual sponge.  My room mate, Khalifah, was addicted to it for a while. Every night I had to sit with my back to the set with my pillow over my head.

One night, Blessed be Allah, someone named Adam Lambert lost some stupid contest and Khalifah smashed the abomination with a chair.  He now regrets his lapse and joins me at night memorizing chapters from the Koran.

The food is delivered to our room by guards dressed as waiters. There is no Falafel, shawirma, or baklawa.  Instead we are offered infidel food like steak, fried chicken, and seafood.

I would start a hunger strike but the word is that the last hunger striker was forced to eat three Krystal Burgers in a row. I have never had a Krystal Burger but I know I can barely finish one hamburger much less three.

These people are beasts.

Everywhere they ask me if I am happy now that the excretory president of theirs has brought us to the United States.  May the snails devour his corpse!  May he be laid prostrate by the curse of curses!

I swear, a sacred Bayah, should I ever escape I will blow this place to hell.  If I do not make it home, Baqi, you would honor me if you would carry out this deed.  Never forget the name of this jail of shame:   Holiday Inn.

Shalom Abdul-Baqi,

Salah al Din

as-salaamu ‘alaykum!

I am a Smart Alec. I believe it is genetic, which is nice because that means I can blame it on my parents instead of me. I practice the craft of Smart Alecey on the blogs of others by leaving comments on their posts. Sometimes I just go overboard and come up with something that I wished I’d saved for my own blog.  Well, there is a Politically Incorrect way to take care of that…

To A Heart Broken Blogger

Over on a humor blog called Blunt Wit , J D has on his sad clown face because his heart was broken. Instead of humor, we get a really pretty, but very depressing post. I decide to lighten his day by leaving a radio commercial spoof

[light music] Romantic Love. Your mom warned you about it. Your friends said not to do it. But you did it anyway. Every day across America, someone turns another person into a mirror and falls in love. life is wonderful until… [cut music]

[funeral bell gong up and then under and long fade]

one day, the mirror breaks and you wake up depressed, lethargic, and changing your status on Facebook and MySpace while listening to bad country music you found on last.fm . Your phone fills up with all the sympathetic text messages from couples who will now avoid you like the leper you are.

It didn’t have to be this way.

[upbeat]

You could have followed the ten steps to cooling romantic love into something you can deal with. Its a new booklet from the Consumer Information Catalog. The booklet is free. Just Write: I Was A Damned Fool, Pueblo Colorado, 81009.

Romance, It Gives Love a Bad Name. [fading]

A public service message from Hallmark Cards, This Station, and the Ad Council®

See, I Told You They Were Out To Get Me

Over at Life is Good, Dana started free associating about all the people who were following her. I decided to come out from the cold and admit to being a member of the agency.

Here at the agency, we prefer to monitor people by the little microphone that was placed in your larynx when you had your tonsils taken out. We know everything about you — even what you scream in your more intimate moments.

So far, you’ve been lucky. But be warned! Cross us and we’ll frame you so quick that you’ll be sitting in prison marking off the days until you can stop being a L.U.R.D.

Yeah, we know you watched Kathy Griffin and know exactly what that means.

Go ahead and act feisty and tell all those fawning blog fans of yours that you are not afraid of us; but, remember, we’re watching… and Helga is waiting for you…

When she posted her Friday Feature about the best comments of the week, I wasn’t there.  Hmm, looks OK to me!

Wait for It

Then there was the rant that began its life as a comment on the Sanity on Edge Blog following someone uttering the standard complaint about Christmas materialism. It set me off. As you can guess, I am very much in favor of Christmas materialism.

After about 200 words tumbled out, I realized that I had something suitable for posting and, selfish charlatan that I am, I cutnpasted it over to here and deleted it off her blog. Sorry, ettarose!

This jewel grew to 500 words with bells and whistles and will automatically post to the world on December 1, 2009.

You’ll just have to wait for it!

Do not worry yourself about the sensibilities of my blogging friends. In this post I have placed hyperlinks that search engines will follow back to their blogs. They will gain extra authority on Technorati and Google. We’re all such attention whores that we’ll endure any amount of humiliation to get better rankings on search engines. How many of your friends can say that?

If you liked this silliness, please consider going over to Humorbloggers dot com and giving me a nice review.  No registration required.  We attention whores need our fix!

And now the Associated Press’s Top 10 Stories of any year divisible by four…

10. Russia Starts Another War

Russia regrets losing the cold war and wants a mulligan. THIS time James Bond is going to find some radioactive isotope in his martini.

09. Hillary Clinton is Still Famous

New Diplomatic Protocol: kiss her ring or kiss her behind

08. Terrorists Blow Up More Stuff for Stupid Reasons

Demand that Mumbai change its name back to Bombay. Want men to only have sex with their wives. Good luck with that.

07. Media Slimes Republican VP Candidate

Shouldn’t this be an Olympic event? We do it every four years. Prediction, next Republican VP Candidate will be stupid because we said so.

06. Earthquake Kills Lots of People in Developing Nation

Occasionally Mother Nature throws a Tsunami or Volcanic Explosion in a developing nation. This was Earthquake’s turn.

05. Olympics Held

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise — they’ll hold another one in four years with even sappier athlete profiles. It will be the best Olympics ever, again.

04. Iraq

We won, but let’s act like we didn’t or just forget it altogether, unless things go bad again and then we’ll pay attention if … oooh look! There goes a pretty butterfly!

03. Oil Prices

Oil prices go up except when they are going down. Evil Oil Companies are behind it all. Prices only go down when Captain America puts one of those villains away.

02. Economic Meltdown

Headline News: People are greedy and stupid. Capitalism stinks. Alternatives stink worse. Let’s try them anyway.

01. President Elected

Another Olympic exercise. While we couldn’t let the world vote, we did let them donate anonymously via PayPal.

Stories that almost made the Top 10 included:

• A Cyclone and a Hurricane killed lots of people in developing nations but they didn’t kill as many people as the Earthquake did. Sorry, Mother Nature, rules are rules. Only one natural disaster in the Top 10 each year.
• The Illinois Governor was caught trying to sell a US Senate seat, but was caught AFTER the Top 10 Ballot was printed. Damn him!
• No Republican politician was caught up in a sex scandal this year. Are they still having sex or did we make them stop?
• Gay marriage almost made the list but didn’t get enough votes: strangely, the same thing happened in California this year.

SAVE this list. We’ll recycle it next year.

Love,

The A.P.

My wife and I have a yearly Christmas tradition. We go out to the Mall on Christmas Eve, plop down in chairs at Chic*fil*a and watch all the stressed-out last minute Christmas shoppers as they run dither and hither past our table.  Pass the honey-mustard, please.

This is when the tie you hate is bought.  When the weird is purchased because the freaked have convinced themselves that you will love it.  They have crossed over into a different world that is only visited by the insane, the hallucinatory, and Ebenezer Scrooge.  They have entered Christmas Hell.

There is the busy businessman who was too busy to be bothered picking out something expensive at the Jewelery Store.  He has to buy something VERY expensive because his wife discounts for waiting until the last minute. What she really wanted was him to replace the Spode Christmas Dinner Plate that Aunt Mary dropped last year and include a nice thoughtful note.

There is the thrifty shopper who keeps waiting for the price to go down one more notch and now has to buy it and by golly, they ran out.  Complete rage quickly turns into a Panic Attack right there in J.C. Penny.  Two Xanax later she is down at Spencer Gifts buying Polly the Profane Parrot who squawks such adorable endearments like “Polly Want A F*in Cracker”, “Hey Baby, Show Us Your T*T’s!” and ” Go F Yourself, ” among other classy quotes.

Then there are the completely disorganized. The flakes of the world who think it is fun to go out and buy everything at the last minute just for the pure heck of it.  They have a blast on Christmas handing out such classic books as “The Truth About Chuck Norris” or a shirt that is two sizes too small.  They think this is more fun than Beer on a Stick while you, well you get the left-over stick.

Watching these people hurry by my table with the fires of Christmas Hell flashing from their eyes has more that  once made me wish I could open a kiosk selling single doses of Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, and Effexor at twenty bucks a pop.  I’d throw in the cup of water for free.

Most people just hit up some teenagers. The advent of ADHD, ADD, OCD, and Tourettes has placed some pretty powerful pharmacology in their teen jean pockets. For a little last minute shopping Christmas cash, they’ll smooth out the rough spots for you.

But, you know, like, you’ll have to go buy your own water, dude.

Friends drop by at our table and speak a bit, but then have to rush on to buy more stuff.  We get their stories and their excuses and why they can’t find it and any number of details.  People watching is still the best entertainment.

That is why a new service on the Internet called Twitter is so popular.  People just type in what they are doing in 140 words or less and toss them out for the world to see.  They can send them by E-mail, Text Message, or by logging in at twitter.com.

For instance, ambylauren wrote: One of my cats is eating a cardboard box, the other is eating the fake Christmas tree…I swear I feed them. Sounds like a case for the Pet Psychic.

Speaking of psychologists,  here is a twitter from starkeyart who needs to see one: Note to self: Never look at pictures of Christmas past, when it was still magic. [explicative deleted]. I believe the going rate is $70 an hour to find where the magic went.

Just one more from zanylanie who: is feeling like Scrooge as she drafts a divorce judgment to become final next week. Merry Christmas kids – mommy and daddy are divorced! See he should have paid attention, bought the Spode, and wrote a note.

By the way, none of these are made up.  I just put a few search terms in at search.twitter.com and a bunch of stressed out people ran by my virtual Chic*fil*a table.

Just to perk myself up, I searched for “Christmas Romance” and got this unlikely pair of tweets:

HarlequinBooks: Author Lori Devoti says vampires and Christmas are a perfect mix. Find out why in her Paranormal Romance Blog post: http://twurl.nl/gody4s

carmenincalgary: My Saturday nights have come to this… me laying on the couch reading Christmas a themed Harlequin romance… pathetic… yet comforting.

I wonder if carmenincalary was reading the one about the Christmas Vampire.

People do find each other and fall in love on Twitter. It is all detailed in a blog post called How Gwen + Joel Met (on Twitter, natch), Fell in Love, Got Engaged: A Story of New School Tech, Old School Courtship and Big, Big Love.  Look for the updated Holiday movie of this arriving at the Mall next year.  They’ll cut down the title to something punchier like: “You’ve Got A Twit”.

So this year, when you are out shopping in the rush, be on the look out for the new people watchers.  They will be the ones ignoring all the people who walk by as they follow the ultimate reality show of Twitter on their iPhone, Treo, or Blackberry.

If you happen to walk by the corner table at Chic*fil*a stop by and say hi. We don’t have any pharmaceuticals, but would be happy to share a chicken nugget with you.

By the By, the Daily Egg is also on Twitter. I post a daily one-liner that I hope is funny each day. You can sign up for a free account at Twitter and then go searching for “The Daily Egg”