My wife and I have a yearly Christmas tradition. We go out to the Mall on Christmas Eve, plop down in chairs at Chic*fil*a and watch all the stressed-out last minute Christmas shoppers as they run dither and hither past our table. Pass the honey-mustard, please.
This is when the tie you hate is bought. When the weird is purchased because the freaked have convinced themselves that you will love it. They have crossed over into a different world that is only visited by the insane, the hallucinatory, and Ebenezer Scrooge. They have entered Christmas Hell.
There is the busy businessman who was too busy to be bothered picking out something expensive at the Jewelery Store. He has to buy something VERY expensive because his wife discounts for waiting until the last minute. What she really wanted was him to replace the Spode Christmas Dinner Plate that Aunt Mary dropped last year and include a nice thoughtful note.
There is the thrifty shopper who keeps waiting for the price to go down one more notch and now has to buy it and by golly, they ran out. Complete rage quickly turns into a Panic Attack right there in J.C. Penny. Two Xanax later she is down at Spencer Gifts buying Polly the Profane Parrot who squawks such adorable endearments like “Polly Want A F*in Cracker”, “Hey Baby, Show Us Your T*T’s!” and ” Go F Yourself, ” among other classy quotes.
Then there are the completely disorganized. The flakes of the world who think it is fun to go out and buy everything at the last minute just for the pure heck of it. They have a blast on Christmas handing out such classic books as “The Truth About Chuck Norris” or a shirt that is two sizes too small. They think this is more fun than Beer on a Stick while you, well you get the left-over stick.
Watching these people hurry by my table with the fires of Christmas Hell flashing from their eyes has more that once made me wish I could open a kiosk selling single doses of Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, and Effexor at twenty bucks a pop. I’d throw in the cup of water for free.
Most people just hit up some teenagers. The advent of ADHD, ADD, OCD, and Tourettes has placed some pretty powerful pharmacology in their teen jean pockets. For a little last minute shopping Christmas cash, they’ll smooth out the rough spots for you.
But, you know, like, you’ll have to go buy your own water, dude.
Friends drop by at our table and speak a bit, but then have to rush on to buy more stuff. We get their stories and their excuses and why they can’t find it and any number of details. People watching is still the best entertainment.
That is why a new service on the Internet called Twitter is so popular. People just type in what they are doing in 140 words or less and toss them out for the world to see. They can send them by E-mail, Text Message, or by logging in at twitter.com.
For instance, ambylauren wrote: One of my cats is eating a cardboard box, the other is eating the fake Christmas tree…I swear I feed them. Sounds like a case for the Pet Psychic.
Speaking of psychologists, here is a twitter from starkeyart who needs to see one: Note to self: Never look at pictures of Christmas past, when it was still magic. [explicative deleted]. I believe the going rate is $70 an hour to find where the magic went.
Just one more from zanylanie who: is feeling like Scrooge as she drafts a divorce judgment to become final next week. Merry Christmas kids – mommy and daddy are divorced! See he should have paid attention, bought the Spode, and wrote a note.
By the way, none of these are made up. I just put a few search terms in at search.twitter.com and a bunch of stressed out people ran by my virtual Chic*fil*a table.
Just to perk myself up, I searched for “Christmas Romance” and got this unlikely pair of tweets:
HarlequinBooks: Author Lori Devoti says vampires and Christmas are a perfect mix. Find out why in her Paranormal Romance Blog post: http://twurl.nl/gody4s
carmenincalgary: My Saturday nights have come to this… me laying on the couch reading Christmas a themed Harlequin romance… pathetic… yet comforting.
I wonder if carmenincalary was reading the one about the Christmas Vampire.
People do find each other and fall in love on Twitter. It is all detailed in a blog post called How Gwen + Joel Met (on Twitter, natch), Fell in Love, Got Engaged: A Story of New School Tech, Old School Courtship and Big, Big Love. Look for the updated Holiday movie of this arriving at the Mall next year. They’ll cut down the title to something punchier like: “You’ve Got A Twit”.
So this year, when you are out shopping in the rush, be on the look out for the new people watchers. They will be the ones ignoring all the people who walk by as they follow the ultimate reality show of Twitter on their iPhone, Treo, or Blackberry.
If you happen to walk by the corner table at Chic*fil*a stop by and say hi. We don’t have any pharmaceuticals, but would be happy to share a chicken nugget with you.
By the By, the Daily Egg is also on Twitter. I post a daily one-liner that I hope is funny each day. You can sign up for a free account at Twitter and then go searching for “The Daily Egg”
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
We had a conversation last night about Twitter. It’s crazy. I think it has its uses but crap like “just dropped off the kids at school” or “waiting to see the doctor”….spare me.
I think your mall party is hilarious. I’ve never done the last minute thing but sometimes I wish I could just walk in 1 store and buy everything for everybody on my list. All of these gifts would be perfect of course. I know. That reality doesn’t exist…and don’t say Wally-Mart.
Good one sugar. I think you must have seen me last year. I’m on Zoloft now and still do the last minute thing.
I attempted the shopping thing with my wife yesterday and lasted a whole four and a half minutes before she began driving me crazy.
I told her I’d wait outside the shop we were in and to my delight, there before me, four sample recliners in the middle of the hustle and bustle.
I claimed one and enjoyed the show.
So how much is Twitter paying you to promote the hell out of them today?
And where do I sign up?
Also? I actually follow carmenincalgary!
Nope… no Christmas vampires here… just your typical woman moving to the wilds of Alaska to find herself a husband… heck – there wasn’t even mention of loincloths!!
Reforming Geek – I don’t know. I like seeing the mundane stuff if it’s a good friend who’s moved away. When we see each other again its like we are already plugged in and know what to talk about.
ettarose – That Zoloft is good stuff. Even if it is the last minute I bet you are much mellower this year.
Joe – were those the recliners where you put the quarters in so they will massage your back? That will put you to sleep and drooling before God and everybody.
Nanny Goats – The bulk of my 90 email readers live within 20 miles of me. There are only 39 people on Twitter in the entire 100,000 pop. metro area. So, it was more like a long form infomercial to drum up adds on the Twitter Account. However, I’m up for any swag they want to toss my way.
I just love it that you sent carmenincalgary over here. Small world! The lady who met her fiance on Twitter picked up on the track back and came over as well.
Carmen – I’m just going to have to add you in Twitter. I wonder if all the guys running around without their loincloths in sub-zero temperatures don’t sound like a Castrato singer at the end of the day?
I worked in retail for ever so I rather enjoy being the tormentor now
I just this morning bought my daughter’s Wii.
But, what do you do on Sundays? Sit at the Chinese joint having roast duck?
The husband and I are usually very organized when Christmas shopping but this year we are not buying anything for anybody.
We do have to go to the mall on Sunday to buy my husband some work jeans. I was not looking forward to it but now that I’m aware of your game, I think I’ll join you and laugh at the nutters running around spending money they don’t have.
I also want the Chuck Norris book.
My twitter for today was:
“My husband has a wife that makes him hot chocolate, I want a wife that will make me hot chocolate too.”
Bee: If Andy has the normal male gene for Sappho-erotic chimera, I imagine that he would be cool with you having a chocolate wife, uh, wife who serves chocolate.
I doubt I could get through Christmas without giving gifts. I’m much too greedy!
Anndi: When Christmas Eve is on a Sunday,and it does so every 6-7 years, we’re all down at the church stripping off all the advent and putting up all the Christmas. There’s only four hours between the end of the 11:30 service at 12:30pm and the start of the Children’s service at 5:30pm. We have an outrageous birthday party for Jesus with everyone ringing bells through every song (noisy!), incense, little kids putting lit candles on a sand “Christmas Cake”, puppet shows, and Cinnamon Bubble Cake for communion. Goes well with the Taylor’s Pink Catawba. As you can imagine, this actually tops sitting at the mall.