Fast Food Robbery Ettiquette

by Marvel Goose on July 27, 2008

It has come to our attention that employees in Valdosta have committed a number of faux pas during the recent spate of Fast Food restaurant robberies. In the interests of social decorum, we have compiled an Etiquette Guide to help these employees to navigate this tricky social situation with ease.

  1. A robber is a lot like a school teacher. He wants you to be still and quit wiggling. No one likes a teacher’s pet so please refrain from raising your hand unless called on.
  2. If you are the one they want to open the cash register, remember that no robber likes a fumble fingered cashier. Be speedy and efficient. Some of you may find this challenging.
  3. Remember your manners and use “yes sir” or “yes ma’am” should you be required to speak or do something. Likewise, do not forget to say “please” or “thank you”. Robbers appreciate the little courtesies like the rest of us.
  4. It is ill-mannered to allow your attention to wander. Excited crack-heads become frustrated if they have to remember something they just said. Pay close attention and do as you are told and no one gets hurt.
  5. Pointing out that they forgot to do something is just poor hospitality and embarrassing to the robber. You should know better.
  6. Do not compare this robbery to any previous robbery no matter how much better the other guys did it.
  7. During the transaction, it is not acceptable to ask the robbers if they would like fries with that. If they wanted fries, they would have stolen them.
  8. If your girl friend’s sister used to date one of the robbers, this is not a good time to bring it up.
  9. Whipping out a gun, knife, or other weapon is very much out of bounds. Robbers are very competitive people and will try to shoot first.
  10. It is ok to faint if you are not dramatic about it. Just roll your eyes up to the sky, let your legs buckle, and fall slowly to the floor. Discuss this with your co-workers in your training meeting. It is likely to look suspicious if you all hit the floor at once. The Emily Post Rule is no more than one fainting per robbery.
  11. When the transaction is over, ignore your customer care training and do not thank them for their business or remind them to come back soon. Most robbers find this kind of behavior demeaning. They know you really don’t mean it.
  12. Do not expect a tip.
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