Tainted Meat Tain’t Mine

by Marvel Goose on July 16, 2009

Cute Pig

When I was a disk jockey, my fellow DJ’s and I were often creating alternative realities because our own reality was living on little money and all the Dairy Queen free hamburger passes we could steal.

In those days, there was a thing called the Associated Press teletype.  This was essentially a typewriter that was hooked up to a nationwide network and would clack out news stories 24 hours a day.  The teletype was fed by a continuous roll of newsprint.

I faked a story using teletype paper and an old manual typewriter. I used authentic AP “slug” number codes and I added the usual typos, missed letters and garbles.   AP member stations could and did contribute news stories to the wire.  I made this one look like it had been filed by our station.

There was a board we used to tack the day’s interesting stories so that the late night guy would have stuff for the newscasts he would tape at the beginning of his shift.  I put this story on the board for him.

The late night jock was just out of high school, very, very paranoid, and into dark things. This story was tailor made for his pyche.


B927

RN

(STATIONS–PLEASE NOTE NATURE OF FOLLOWING)

(AP)  –  GBI HELP REQUESTED

(W-L-G-A)

(VALDOSTA) – LOWNDES CIRCUIT DISTRICT ATTORNEY LAMAR COLE SAY H  HAS REQUESTED  HELP FROM THE GEORGIA BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION IN THE SEARCH FOR AN “ANIMAL RAPIST” OPERATING IN LOWNDES AND BROOKS COUNTIES. ACCORDING TO COLE, A “SICK AND PERVERTED” INDIVIDUAL HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTING POULTRY AND LIVESTOCK IN FREEZER COOLERS AND SLAUGHTER HOUSES.
AN EYEWITNESS IS TO MEET WITH A G-B-I CRIMINAL ARTIST TODAY TO RECONSTRUCT A PERSON HE SAW ACTING SUSPICIOUSLY AROUND A FREEZER HOUSE IN BROOKS COUNTY. THE PERSON IS BEING DESCRIBED AS A WHITE MALE IN HIS LATE TEENS WHO LOOKED “LIKE A BOWLING BALL WITH A HEAD” AND TALKED
XKXKXKXKXKXNGKS
ASHED UP RADIO ANNOUNCER FROM THE 50’S”
“THANKFULLY,” SAYS COLE, “NO ONE HAS EATEN ANY OF THE RAVAGED MEAT”. COLE SAID THAT SHOPPERS ARE BEING WARNED THROUGH THE MEDIA TO CHECK ALL THE MEAT THEY PURCHASE, “ESPECIALLY LIVER”.

AP-AX-09-09-83    1443EDT

B928

RN

(AP)  –  GEORGIA  A – P DRIVE-TIME NEWS

GEORGIA RADAR WEATHER


Our target was so freaked when he found this in his stack of news items to read that he called the AP night desk in Atlanta to check on it.  He was sure that someone was trying to frame him for this terrible crime.

This of course, meant that he self-identified himself as being round as a bowling ball and sounding like a washed-up radio announcer from the 50’s.

While the AP man allowed that he would have heard about such a story if it had actually moved on the wires, he was able to confirm that the codes on the story were for the Hog Prices. A nice touch, I thought.

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