Too Many Animals

by Marvel Goose on February 4, 2004

A sure sign that the man of the family got his vasectomy too early is when the number of animals exceeds the number of adults in the household. We now have a new dog and that makes two cats, two dogs, and two kids. I really feel sorry for the animals. Here they are, comfortable in their roles, when suddenly the lady of the house wishes she had another baby and bam! another little one arrives to upset the animal kingdom hierarchy.

I was more than happy to go under the laser at Dr. Mike’s at the age of 38 when there were two human babies in diapers in the Guice household. Many a four in the morning, I asked myself why I was such a late-bloomer at starting a family. This kind of labor was more suited to me when I was in my early twenties and an all-nighter was something I did for fun. Leaving the world of the potent was not a hard decision.

After the babies were up and running, we got a cat. My mom would not let us have a dog so I was comfortable with cats. As soon as the kitten became a cat though, my wife started wanting another kitten. She had always been a member of a large family and was used to lots of living things running around. I agreed only because a spare cat is a practical item. One of them is always disappearing to wherever it is that cats go when they go away or managing to run out of lives.

The original cat was less than happy with our decision and left us within weeks. I told my wife that it was her animal promiscuity that had caused all of this, but she was only focused on the fact that now she could have a new kitty.

I drew the line on dogs. I had never owned a dog and didn’t care to have one. We were renting at the time and I used our non-dog lease as my shield against canines. I came up with any number of reasons not to have a dog after we bought our new home and was able to hold out for nearly a year and a half before she bribed the boys to start begging for a dog. I bribed my oldest one back, but he proved that he was the politician in the family by changing his vote after he spent his ill-gotten gains. His vote, it seems, was only for rent.

A year passed and the stirrings of motherhood arrived. She wanted a new puppy. I pointed out that it was already bad enough having to let animals in and out of the house plus I had somehow gotten the official designation as the “accident” picker-upper.

Not to be deterred, she asked for cash for Christmas and then sprung her trap — she used the money to buy a dog door so that Shy, Mew, Maggie and the puppy-to-be-named later could come and go at will

Hannah is our new baby. We got her from the pound which is not unlike Auschwitz. All the stray animals in the county are collected up and then graded for their “adopt-ability”. Those that don’t measure up get the gas chamber. We saw a cat bite a potential new owner while we were picking out our puppy.

“Oh well,” said the Pound Nazi to the angry kitty, “looks like you’re going to be leaving us soon.”

That traumatized the bitten lady and my wife. Only a strong ugly look from me kept us from leaving with that cat and a new dog.

Menopause can not come soon enough.. Every time my wife turns down the temperature in the house, I hope she’s having a hot flash.


Update: Feb 18, 2004

My wife writes me via email, which shows how hard it is to get a word in edgewise with two kids, two dogs, and two cats: “If you would write those things earlier I could correct your terrible English and typo’s.  Quit typing and come to bed!”.  No, actually she wrote this:

Dear Husband Goose,

I had such a great experience at the Animal Shelter here in Valdosta that I have to break in on your humor to comment to your readers. I was so very impressed with every aspect of that shelter. Yes, a cat did bite someone. And, yes, she was removed from the adoptable cats. Aside from that sad incident, we saw many precious dogs and cats ready for homes out there. The shelter was clean. The employees were great! So, remember the shelter next time you are looking for a new pet.

Sincerely, Mother Goose


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